Resolutions for the Rest of You

Well, that time of peace and joy and love for my fellow human beings has passed. We’re now in the dark winter of cynicism and sarcasm and wishing everyone else would get a clue already. However, before writing me off as a bitter Betty, consider that it is only my deep concern for my fellow human beings (and my high regard for myself) that allows me to present the following list of Resolutions for Everybody Else. Follow them, and make the world a better place (for me) this year.

1) Resolve to always take note of your surroundings. Are you walking down 8th Avenue in a throng of hurrying commuters? Then perhaps now would not be the best time to stop in the middle of the sidewalk and tie your shoe. DUH.

2) Resolve to hold the door open. It’s common courtesy. Whether you are male, female, old, young, whatever, it is very, very rude to let the door slam in the face of the person behind you. DUH.

3) Resolve to turn off your cell phone in churches, theatres, and other quiet environments. There are signs everywhere. It’s printed at the top of the church bulletin. There’s an announcement before the show starts. There is no excuse for “forgetting” to do this. Can’t miss a call? Every cell phone on the planet has a “silent” tone. Learn how to use it. DUH.

4) Resolve to have your method of payment ready at the check-out. You’ve seen those commercials for the Visa check card? They’re more accurate than you think. Don’t be the dingbat fumbling in the bottom of your pocket for and additional 12 cents. You know what that time you spend standing in line is for? It’s for you to get out your cash or your credit card, find your wallet, end your cell phone conversation, and just generally be ready for your interaction with the cashier so that you don’t hold up the rest of us. DUH. And for that matter, if you are one of the 14 people left on earth who still write checks at stores, buck up and join the 21st century. Get yourself a debit card and learn to use it, STAT. Or at least stop shopping at the places I’m shopping, because I will shoot you murderous looks and not so subtly mutter about you under my breath. DUH.

5) Resolve to send thank-you notes. Has someone done something nice for you? Did they give you a gift? Did they go above and beyond for you? Don’t you think you could do them the small honor of taking pen to paper and thanking them? Like your mother always told you, it builds character and it displays character. Be a good person. DUH.

6) Resolve to let other people exit before you enter. This applies to train cars, elevators, and buildings in general. There’s no need to shove yourself in. That seat isn’t going anywhere, that elevator isn’t going to move, until the people who are already inside get out. Make life easier for everyone and do your waiting on the platform. DUH.

7) Resolve to ask yourself, when faced with a behavioral conundrum, what would Sarah do? If in doubt, feel free to ask. I will always have a right answer for you. DUH.

So take my advice and take my help, and do your part to make my life a little less stressful this year. It’s the least you can do to make the world a little nicer!