28 Days

I've finally had an epiphany. I finally figured out why I don't have a man in my life.

It's simple really. In fact, it really should not have taken me this many years of bad nighttime soap opera addiction to get to this point. But that's just it. For my addictions, there's no rehab. And rehab is where, apparently, women go to meet men.

I know. You're all thinking, "Duh."

I mean, how did this escape me? All those years of celebrity tabloid reading- have I learned nothing? All those hours with the OC, 90210, Desperate Housewives, and one day, during a routine re-viewing of Melrose Place, it hits me. I too could meet an alcoholic, sex-addicted yet hot enough to overlook these faults pro football player if I could just get to rehab.

Sorry, Grandma, I know that this is not what you had in mind at Christmas when you sat me down for the annual "When I was your age, I already had a husband and 3 children" speech and you told me to put myself out there. I know that you meant I should attend a singles' dance (do those still exist anywhere on earth outside the pages of "The Rules?") or volunteer at a hospital so I can meet a nice doctor (Clearly Grandma does not watch Grey's Anatomy, or she would know that hospitals are dens of iniquity, not places to meet "nice Christian men.") But I think rehab is the best option for me.

After all, rehab is like adult summer camp, and we all remember how the relationships flourished at summer camp. I myself snared one of Camp Takehee's most eligible sixth-grade boys (of course, if I were smart, I'd have never let him go. Depressingly, those fleeting few weeks probably constituted my last fully functional relationship. Listen up kids! It's all downhill from there!) The close quarters, the forced interaction, the lack of distractions- it's the perfect place to start! And you already have something in common. Sure, it's addiction, but no relationship's perfect.

And to top it all off, you get free time off of work! And it's (in most cases) covered by insurance! Who needs a spa when you can get an all-expenses paid 28 day vacation with plenty of vulnerable men?

So, Sandals Jamaica, cancel my spring reservation. Rehab is clearly the place to be!